> For The Love Of My Cousin 04

Things You Wish To Change From Your Past

I already have encountered the same question once. The person [which I will call Sneaky] wanted to know if I am contented with my current situation and, if I were to live my life all over again, would I choose to do things differently so that I could be in a better or different place? My answer was, emphatically, that I would not change anything.

First. poor choices have helped build my character.
The choices I’ve made in life are behind me and I don’t want to waste time regretting any of them. Do I think I made poor choices at times? Of course I do, but hey, that’s what happened. Some of my choices may have landed me in unpleasant circumstances, but experiencing these things certainly built my current character. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for those character-building situations. Take any of those choices out of the equation and I’d be an entirely different person. I don’t want to be another person, I like my person.

It became clear to me that Sneaky, who is privy to some of my personal history, could not relate to my choices and was curious as to how I felt about them. I felt like I was under a microscope and being examined through the eyes of a careless, meddling, critic. I may have been reading Sneaky all wrong, but it felt as if this person viewed my life as having little significance and absolutely nothing worthwhile to embrace. Sneaky acted greatly surprised when I told her I was very content with my life and would not do anything different, if given the opportunity.

It irked me that she was looking at me with a critical point of view. Basically I sensed that she was flabbergasted with my response. My eyes focused upon her face and saw a look that asked “How could you possibly be okay with the status quo?” Perhaps her astonishment to my answer revealed more about how she felt about herself than how she felt about me. I wondered if perhaps she might actually be harboring regrets from her own past and simply assumed that everyone else would also.

Few days have gone by and I’ve had more time to reflect, not on her question, but on my reaction to her question, I realize that I may not be entirely “okay” with how things are with me and my life in general.

I’m certainly not happy when others look at me with critical intention. And although, intellectually, I know that I have no control over the way others view me, I can still get caught up in that old trap of wanting everyone to look favorably at me. As a child it was very important for me to have others think well of me. I took some hard knocks emotionally whenever I realized that someone didn’t desire me as their friend. Ouch! I eventually learned that it was okay if someone didn’t particularly care for me. I came to this realization only after I thought about certain children among my peers in my grade school classes whose personalities I didn’t care for. If it was okay for me not to like everyone, then I certainly could not expect everyone to care for me. I came to the conclusion that it was okay not to be liked by everyone. You’re okay. I’m okay. We don’t have to be friends for us all to be okay.

Life has a way of recycling it’s lessons to make sure we have learned them thoroughly. The insecure child inside me does care what others think about her. “What’s not to like?” my inner child says to herself.

Here I am, a first year student of RTU, and the universe suddenly slaps me with a simple question that awakens in me the unnerving feeling that I need to reevaluate my current state of affairs for a second time. Am I truly walking the life I want?

Now, as I am faced with reevaluating my strong desire to be regarded favorably by others, I have come to realize that I am most comfortable when I am not being regarded at all by people, rather than being regarded unfavorably. “See me kindly or please don’t look at me” could easily be my motto. Unfortunately, we cannot all live under rocks and avoid uncomfortable confrontations. I must admit that this woman, who got under my skin with her rude questioning, actually offered me a gift. Now I get to look deeper inside and discover more about myself. Yes, that’s a gift. A valuable gift!

But, if you were to ask me the same questions: “Are you happy with your life?”, would you change anything or do anything different?”, no matter what the tone resounding in your voice, or intention revealed by your demeanor? My answer would be the same.

Yes, I love my current life. I would not change a single thing. I take responsibility for all my past choices and value them for the life lessons they offer. Naturally, I’m not finished evolving yet. My life is not at a standstill. I’m a work in progress, so please don’t stick a fork in me. I’m not quite done yet!
 

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