> Taking The Wheel

When I was younger, I used to be obsessed over every detail of my life: our home, my clothes, my friends, the people I go out with. I always feel this burning need to stay in control of any given situation. Even the slightest imperfection set me off. Sad to admit but I was onced tagged as “pulaero”, “perfectionist”, “laitero”…

It’s not uncommon to use control as a means of protection. After all, if we stay in the driver’s seat, we can avoid any unforeseen dips and sharp curves—things that are quite unnerving to the compulsive. Yet, not all accidents—despite our best efforts to avoid them—can be prevented.

Perfectionism can bring personal comfort, but it’s a loose guard at best. Often the situation we’re trying to manage—lets say, getting to know a person—ends up managing us, easily spiraling into the hurt, disappointment and rejection that we were trying to avoid in the first place.

It’s difficult to maintain unwavering control without pushing someone away. Being a dating perfectionist is also contrary to building a great relationship, which is about creating a safe space where both you and he can be your unabashed selves.

Meet the old me. I used to be conservative in my appearance and demeanor, and was extremely rigid when it comes to dating. I’ve never had much luck when it comes to relationships. I pushed them away with insistence on knowing where they stand. The unknown has always been uncomfortable to me, so I prefer to place all of my cards on the table at once. That way I always know what to expect [or so I thought]. But once my hand is out in the open, the game—the best part about getting to know someone—ends.

Now, I’ve changed a lot. I don’t want to say I’m not making stupid comments anymore or don’t criticize anyone anymore but I know I’m better. My view of getting into a realtionship pretty much stayed the same but I’m really proud with the principles I hold when it comes to dealing with men. The society dictates what should be the norm and what is righteous. It’s sad but it’s true, I still conform to that. I still do my best to live up to what is expected of me. It’s a harsh reality I know. Most of the time these realities kept me from enjoying life or giving myself the happiness but I guess that is a part of how I was created. I just hope there wouldn’t be someone who would call me “kaibigang bakla” or “baklang kalbo” [delivered with pure malice and ridicule] anymore. I just hope people would consider thinking twice first before they think ill of me.

I’m trying to be nice and I’d like to continue getting better each day.

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