> wHo neeDs chaOs?

“You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.” ~Nietzsche

If that be the case, I have given birth to an entire universe of dancing stars. My life seems to be defined by chaos. But I have come to realize that I would not want it any other way. And perhaps chaos is not the right word to use, because it has such a negative connotation. It is really just change. Perpetual motion.
I say all these just to excuse the fact that I have not been posting as often as I would like [plus the fact that our Globe broadband has been in chaos for almost 2 weeks now] and I expect that will be the case for the next month or so. You see…
1) I’m starting to get used to my new campaign – Superpages.com;
2) I have a good feeling that I’ll meet someone today or maybe the next’s;
3) I started learning again the art of Photoshop and have committed myself to immersing myself in the experience as much as possible;
4) I have to research and write a humongous paper for a friend and because I want it to be super-duper scholarly and impressive I might need to spend a little bit of time of it.
That said, I am really looking forward to all of the events listed above. The Superpages thing, which one would think would be the most planned-out decision on the list [because it’s the most dreaded and avoided], is actually quite spur of the moment. But then again I have always made life-altering decisions that way. I will be obsessed for days about whether to buy blue drapes or brown drapes but I will tack up for buying the next thing I laid my eyes on with hardly a moment’s quibble. I ordered my new cellphone last week although I still have one without further consideration to my expenses and debts. Some might say that is tad impulsive. Yeah, I know they will be right [been through a lot of these].
But my life has changed so much over the last year. My focus has changed. I moved to a new apartment with friends thinking that I “needed” to live somewhere else. That I “needed” a cute new place with lots of character. I was going through an identity crises – who is this single ME? This “divorcee”? Who am I? As with most processes, I focused first on outwardly expressions. I felt compelled to move as a way to express all of the changes going on in my life at the time. I had an intense need to redefine. On my own terms. I needed to be out of the place I shared with my cousin for quite sometime, out of the campaign I used to love. Out of the neighborhood, of the “MX” team. I would have even moved out of the city if an opportunity came [Baguio?].
Things change.
I was making a lot more money than I am now and I had an ex who’s pissing me now. I’m in a new home in the middle of everything. Location. Location. Location. Friends.
Things change.
I might be in a new set of people, befriending everyone, kissing everyone who wanted it… sometimes I feel so “new” and “OP” but that gave me my life back. My ex decided he no longer wanted to be “nice” and that oh so perfect-bait guy and that he did not really mind falling into the category of “deadbeat ex.”
And most importantly I changed. I realized now that I don’t really need to stick to some of my friends just to be hurt. That friends really go and go against you. I realized, I don’t need to be that martyr just to be happy. And I will be much less stressed out if I can save at least every month in living expenses.
So here I go, downsizing my outward life in an attempt to create more inward harmony.
It feels good to let go of material things. There is real power in the act of surrender.
Things change-D.


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